What can I say? My heart is broken into what feels beyond repair but at the same time I feel like the most fortunate person ever to exist having had the privilege of spending the last 14 years with you. Words cannot describe the depth of joy and peace you brought to my life, my sweet, beautiful Casey.
Who would have guessed that when we plucked you from the pound on that snowy February day in 1995 that you would become the center of my universe. My daughter in every sense of the word. My constant, loyal companion....my best friend. Oh how I adore my sweet, beautiful Casey.
It's ironic how certain events unfold. I certainly wasn't looking to take on the responsibility of caring for a puppy when a customer brought to my attention that you had not only been abandoned once, but twice. First by some cruel inhuman human who left you, a three month old puppy who definitely couldn't fend for yourself, out in a snow storm in the middle of the night, and second from the customer who fortunately told me about you. He had said he abandoned you at the pound because of your breed. Boy was that the stupidest decision he ever made, but at the same time the luckiest for me.
I couldn't stop obsessing about you after he told me he had taken you to the pound. I couldn't tolerate the thought of a little innocent frightened puppy all alone in a cold, dark cage after that harrowing experience of being dumped in the middle of a snow storm. Because I knew I couldn't walk into the pound without leaving with every abandoned animal, I asked a friend to come with me to retrieve you from that place. We said you were already ours, that you had gotten lost, because I didn't want anyone else to adopt you.
I already loved you before I ever even saw you Casey. I justified rescuing you because I had been told you were a Chow Chow, and I was aware of the Chow Chow Rescue League from my dad who had a Chow Chow, so I was telling myself and others that I would take you to the rescue league so that they could place you in a forever home. However, thinking back, I now know that I had no intention of relinquishing you to any organization or to anyone for that matter. So when you jumped onto the console between the seats of my car and licked me all over my face with your purple and pink tongue and I realized that you weren't a full bred Chow Chow and therefore involving the Chow Rescue League was no longer an option, it made no difference. You were mine and I was yours, we were meant to be, destined for each other.
The first time I laid eyes on you will be burned in my memory for all time. You were the cutest, sweetest, most beautiful creature I had ever seen, and just as beautiful inside as out. Your big, innocent, intelligent brown eyes pierced into my soul and I knew at that moment we were soul mates. There was an immediate connection between us that will last for all eternity. I needed you as much as you needed me and so our 14 year love affair began. Your name wasn't always Casey. It was Cookie the first couple of days and then one night in the middle of the night it occurred to me that you weren't Cookie, you were Casey and that is when you became my sweet, beautiful Casey girl...and I proceeded to call you that for the rest of your life and now I will refer to you as that for the rest of mine. Because that is exactly what you were....my sweet beautiful Casey girl, or Cay Cay on occasion as my niece affectionately nicknamed you.
Making the decision to end your life on December 18th was the most excruciatingly difficult decision of my life. I felt as if I couldn't endure the pain. It was only through the understanding and kindness of others that got me through the unbearable pain of losing you that day and I am learning very slowly and very painfully how to live without your physical presence.
It was the way you looked at me on the morning of the 17th that made me realize it was time. I was attempting to stay in denial, but that was getting more difficult by the day. After the diagnosis of cancer in early November things did deteriorate fast. I just couldn't accept the prospect of losing my girl. It still doesn't feel real to me.
I can still smell you and hear you snoring in the middle of the night. I can still hear you drinking out of your water bowl. I see you lying in all your favorite spots and can still feel the softness of your fur. I loved petting you and hugging you close and miss it terribly. I loved that beautiful reddish brown fur of yours and the upside down bluish purple heart on your tongue. You were so precious Casey.
When I think of you my heart feels unbearable pain I miss you so much but at the same time it feels as if it will burst from the overflow of love and adoration I feel for you. I am so glad I have you back home with me again. It was excruciating that last morning as we lay together on the kitchen floor knowing that you would be gone within hours and I wouldn't be able to hold you again. It was extremely difficult to cut some of your beautiful fur to keep with me forever, but I am glad I did. I am going to plant some of your remains with a dogwood tree, so that I may watch it grow with you over the years. I am also going to keep some so that when I die, they can be mixed together and sprinkled somewhere we both loved so that we can spend all eternity together.
As painful as receiving that cancer diagnosis was, it did provide me a six week period of time to show you how deeply I loved you and to take in and appreciate every, single second we had left together and that is exactly what I did. I think I always showed you how much I loved and appreciated you, but probably not as profoundly as when I knew the end was near. I hope I didn't upset you by crying as much as I did. I know you understand. You always did understand me.
I enjoyed nothing more than our walks and our rides, and everything we did together over the years. My favorite was our road trip adventures upstate, just me and you in a strange place, exploring and having fun. That was so exciting. And our late night walks in the midst of a snowstorm, that was so amazing. You were always so cute in the snow. You would run and jump and put your nose in it and throw it up in the air. I loved watching you. I never bored of it. Also our many, many hours, days, weeks and years at home together with the kitty's. I will treasure every memory of you my beautiful Casey until I no longer can remember.
We had a wonderful life together my sweet girl and I can't thank you enough for sharing your life with me. I can say for certain that the 14 years we spent together were the best years of my life. I hope I gave you 1/10th the happiness and joy you gave to me. No other can ever replace my sweet girl and no other ever will. Although, one day I do hope to love and share my life with another abandoned canine soul. I know you would want that too. There are so many in need of love and a home. Thankfully I still have my three rescued adorable, sweet feline souls, Jasmine Jasper & Hannah, who have helped me immensely in this time of grief. They miss you too girl, especially Jasmine, your surrogate daughter. She still looks for you.
Rest In Peace my sweet, beautiful Casey, you will live forever in my heart. Until we meet again.....
